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Threads of Fleeing Thoughts

Hey, look! I still have a blog! I can even write stuff in it!

It's been two months since I posted in here, and it's been two rough months with my TS. I had a toothache a while ago that piqued the interest of my Tourette's, which I'm now referring to as Freddie Mercury. Freddie started up a new tic where I click or clack or occasionally slam together the teeth just on the right side of my mouth. It feels like the original toothache is gone, but the tic, just like the alien spaceship in Independence Day after President Whitmore ordered a nuclear strike on it, remains. And it, my friends is a BEAST. Excepting the sharp head nod/jerk I had when I was a kid (and which, like an old friend, pops up from time to time), this is definitely my all-time worst tic. It is freaking ceaseless. It's an all day, every day kind of tic. Most of the time I have a few tic-free minutes when I wake up in the morning, but this thing is on me within seconds of waking up. I must be doing it …

For Chuck and Sharon

I always hesitate to involve myself in big Tourette community outcry efforts like the one being brought against NBC's Chuck Todd in response to his use of the word "Tourette" as an adjective to describe, in effect, an asshole on the internet. I've never been inclined to police another person's speech, though I realize now that's a privilege I own as a straight white cisgender able-bodied Christian middle class American male. People aren't generally saying police-able things about people like me, and sadly we're frequently the ones saying the abhorrent stuff. I also think that complaining "@" a person on the internet is a little like getting so angry that you scream at the stars. It might feel good, but no one is really listening. It's a generational thing, and I'm caught in the middle of it: I'm old enough to remember the 18 years before I even had an email address, but not old enough to have a kid who regularly uses the internet…

Does a New Environment Mean New Tics?

I started in a new role at work a few weeks ago and it's been going well TS-wise. I was worried that the stimuli involved in learning a new job might set me up for a rough time with my tics, but I was only sort of right. I work for an industrial supply company, and for the last five years I've been working alongside some great people in our freight department. If our whole building sends out 14k orders a day, our department of 17-ish people only handles around 400-450 of those. Our orders were typically for the biggest stuff we sell, and each order required a fair bit of critical thinking to process. I could explain that even further, but if you haven't already bailed on this entry, you surely would have by the time I was done. The pace took wild swings, from casually working to frantically running around like lunatics literally trying to fit 10,000 pounds into a 5,000 pound box. Those lengthy periods of casual work were bad for my tics, which seem to become worse the more…

I Never Risk the Fett Man

Lately I've been struggling to sit down and write on here or anywhere else. I'm so self-conscious doing it that it almost causes anxiety just thinking about it. The reasons here are threefold: one, I'm still loath to share this much of myself. Two, I'm constantly doubting that I have thoughts worth sharing, and three, I'm worried that my content isn't high-quality. This is a real problem for me, since the only thing I've ever really wanted to do with my life (aside from playing first base for the Yankees) is be an author. To actually hold a book I wrote in my hands, to talk about it with people, and to have those people make my work something that touches their lives and stays with them. I can not, for the life of me, convince myself that it's worth my time to sit down and spend years of my life trying to actually get good at this. I blame, in part, my companion Wesley Crusher.

Wesley is a dick, but I've had him mostly in the brig since I realized t…
Thanks to the people who reached out after last Thursday's post about depression. I always hesitate to talk about that sort of stuff because I hate to think people are worried about me when I know it's something I'll rebound from after a certain amount of time. As per the usual course of events, I'm again right as rain and looking for ways to proactively prevent another episode. I guess we'll wait and see what that looks like.

It's unfortunate that discussing my mental health is such a hard thing for me to do. If I have a cold, I'm like, "Hey, I have a cold and it sucks. Don't touch what I touch and don't get to close to me and everything will be just fine." For some reason, it's a lot harder to say, "Hey, I have Tourette Syndrome and some other associated conditions that affect my mood and sociability and a bunch of other things." The rub, as we all know, is that I bare no more personal responsibility for having a cold than …

Too Much

Today was a Bad Day. I'm not sure how TS-related all this is but I'm going to talk about it here since I know Tourette's and depression team up like the bully kids in "A Christmas Story".

I've made and/or been forced into a few big changes over the last month. I got rid of my smart phone, as I've mentioned before. My wife and I decided to get our butts in shape, so we got an exercise bike I'm trying to ride five days a week. I'm also trying to make some pretty serious dietary changes since I have a kid and now I have to live forever. Finally, and worst, my shift got changed at work. We got pushed back an hour, so now I'm working till 7pm every night and not getting home till 7:30. I was in a great groove with the schedule I was in prior to the change. I could get home at 6:15, make dinner for everyone, and spend a good chunk of time with my son before we put him down at 8. Now all that has changed and it sucks. There's a bunch of work-rela…

...no GPS?

Oh hi! My recent hiatus was brought to you by how good it feels to be freed from expecting myself to write something interesting and meaningful twice a week every week. I've also been mostly absent from Twitter, since I recently made the technologically-regressive move from smart phone back to flip phone. For that part at least, I'm sorry. I know I've talked a lot on here about being part of a community, and I've left that community behind for the last few weeks. I'm going to try and find a happy medium between self-care and being there for people who've been there for me.

It's been a big change going from checking my phone 200+ times a day to logging onto my laptop maybe twice a day just to check email and maybe Facebook and Twitter and the news and ESPN and Polygon and maybe just a few other sites real quick while I have a minute. Seriously though, ditching the smartphone has been nice, if a little disorienting. The first few days were a little rough, sin…