Like a Horse and Carriage
Tourette's and marriage go together like a horse and carriage, but the horse just can't stop ticcing and so the carriage is constantly bouncing around and the occupants are being tossed about like a bag of popcorn mid-pop. I'm writing this mostly as an excuse to ask other people how having Tourette Syndrome has affected their marriages and relationships, but I'm also writing it because the more I think about it, the more I realize that my TS has played a prominent role in the shape my marriage has today. I often wonder how that shape would be different if I didn't have TS or if I'd been diagnosed long before my wife and I met and it was a known quantity in my life. Also, my wife is amazing and she deserves a blog post about how just amazing she is.
First, some dating background. I fell in love for the first time when I was seventeen, and it was exactly how all the songs said it would be like. Just a life changing, "I want to feel like this forever" feeling that I could scarcely believe I was experiencing. I think there's no one more blissfully ignorant of the world than a teenager in love. Around this time, I don't remember my tics being so bad and my co-morbids hadn't become as strong as they are today. I honestly can't remember what role my TS had in this relationship, and I'm mostly okay with that. I'm at peace with the extent to which I've probably idealized my memories of this time in my life.
I fell in love for the second time in my early twenties. Again, my tics weren't that bad at this stage and I don't remember even talking about them with my girlfriend. Unfortunately by now, depression and ADD had begun to make themselves noticed in my life. I take full responsibility for how poorly this relationship ended, but I can't help but wonder if I would have had the emotional tools to exit more gracefully if I'd been diagnosed with TS and was aware of the existence of co-morbids and how they would affect me. I'm not trying to shed blame here, either: regardless of TS and co-morbids, I'm the only person responsible for anything I do. I carried a lot of guilt about this with me for a long time and it had a heavy hand in shaping my sense of self worth for years after.
BUT! I fell in love for the third and final time right before I turned 31. I met my wife at a wedding and we hit it off almost instantly. We went on our first date the next weekend, were living together a year after that, and were engaged seven months later. Recently we tried to pin down the first time we addressed my tics and we're pretty sure it was relatively early on. We're also pretty sure it was more of an "Are you okay?" than a "What's all that weird shit you've got going on with your face?" sort of conversation. If any of you knew my wife, and maybe some of you do (hi mom!), you'd know she doesn't have a mean or judgmental bone in her body. I know for a fact that my tics started to pick up in my early thirties and have continued with that intensity for just about a whole decade (because I'm olllllllllllld now). Through that time, she has handled all of my symptoms with grace and kindness that occasionally leave me breathless and a little shocked that someone like her even exists. I'm not sure I could handle being married to me, and I AM me.
My wife has been a constant comfort for the last two-ish years as I've begun to confront my TS and the effects it has had a continues to have on my life. She is the sandbar in the middle of a rough ocean, the cold beer after a hard day's work, and the only Philadelphia Eagles fan I could ever possibly love. I imagine this is just some sort of psychological projection or something, but I still wish I could be more normal for her. She, I know, wouldn't change a thing about me, because then I wouldn't be the exact person she fell in love with and I know her well enough to know that's not a thing she'd risk.
I know my tics make me socially self-conscious and that I have trouble socializing sometimes/most of the time. I'm constantly aware of what my body is doing without my permission and that takes me out of moments a lot of the time. I feel like I'm really aware of my own potential embarrassment and that I'd rather retreat into a sort of social shell where I have a little more control over my tics than just let them fly and be myself. Perversely, I feel this awareness and self-consciousness around people who matter more to me and the people I love and am with, my wife especially. I just want to make a good impression on her friends and co-workers, and that desire almost keeps me from actually doing it, at least in my head. In the part of my brain that understands reality, I know that none of these people is going to judge me or make fun of me or think less of my wife for being married to me. The part of my brain that is batshit crazy and super paranoid thinks exactly the opposite, and that part plays an outsized role in determining how I act.
I also know it must be rough to be married to and live with a person with both ADD and depression but again, my wife handles it with all the compassion in the world. Do I think she occasionally gets frustrated with how scatterbrained I am? You betcha. Would she probably like to go a day without hearing, "Hey babe, do you remember where I put my keys?" or "Do you have any idea what I came into this room for". I bet she would. She does her best to help me stay organized and has also accepted that maybe there's a little more household entropy around me than there is around most people. I've only recently started sharing with her some of the uglier details of my struggles with depression, and I feel bad for how this weighs on her. Still, she's there for me 100% of the time and I know she'll do anything to help me get through rough spells. I just hate that when it gets bad, I have so much trouble keeping up with our son and with keeping meals prepped, laundry done, and the house mostly in order. She works hard and I feel terrible when she has to come home and pick up my slack. On the bright side, I think the antidepressant I started two months ago is making a good bit of difference in my mood, and my psychiatrist just started me on a non-stimulant medication to treat my ADD. Hopefully I'll get some symptom relief and those peaks and valleys will start to look like just a nice, consistent, high peak.
On the bright side, I think she sort of likes my tics and I also think she likes that I feel so free to tic around her. I can really be myself when I'm with her, and that's something I can never place any sort of value on. I really am the luckiest guy in the world. I wonder sometimes what would have happened with us if she was EXACTLY the same person except that she wasn't okay with my having TS. Would it have worked out anyway? Would one of us be miserable? Would my sleep-ticcing drive her to the edge of insanity (it might anyway). These are interesting questions to ask, but I feel lucky that they're only hypotheticals for me. Now if you'll excuse me, it's 11pm and I have a smoking hot wife to snuggle up with.
First, some dating background. I fell in love for the first time when I was seventeen, and it was exactly how all the songs said it would be like. Just a life changing, "I want to feel like this forever" feeling that I could scarcely believe I was experiencing. I think there's no one more blissfully ignorant of the world than a teenager in love. Around this time, I don't remember my tics being so bad and my co-morbids hadn't become as strong as they are today. I honestly can't remember what role my TS had in this relationship, and I'm mostly okay with that. I'm at peace with the extent to which I've probably idealized my memories of this time in my life.
I fell in love for the second time in my early twenties. Again, my tics weren't that bad at this stage and I don't remember even talking about them with my girlfriend. Unfortunately by now, depression and ADD had begun to make themselves noticed in my life. I take full responsibility for how poorly this relationship ended, but I can't help but wonder if I would have had the emotional tools to exit more gracefully if I'd been diagnosed with TS and was aware of the existence of co-morbids and how they would affect me. I'm not trying to shed blame here, either: regardless of TS and co-morbids, I'm the only person responsible for anything I do. I carried a lot of guilt about this with me for a long time and it had a heavy hand in shaping my sense of self worth for years after.
BUT! I fell in love for the third and final time right before I turned 31. I met my wife at a wedding and we hit it off almost instantly. We went on our first date the next weekend, were living together a year after that, and were engaged seven months later. Recently we tried to pin down the first time we addressed my tics and we're pretty sure it was relatively early on. We're also pretty sure it was more of an "Are you okay?" than a "What's all that weird shit you've got going on with your face?" sort of conversation. If any of you knew my wife, and maybe some of you do (hi mom!), you'd know she doesn't have a mean or judgmental bone in her body. I know for a fact that my tics started to pick up in my early thirties and have continued with that intensity for just about a whole decade (because I'm olllllllllllld now). Through that time, she has handled all of my symptoms with grace and kindness that occasionally leave me breathless and a little shocked that someone like her even exists. I'm not sure I could handle being married to me, and I AM me.
My wife has been a constant comfort for the last two-ish years as I've begun to confront my TS and the effects it has had a continues to have on my life. She is the sandbar in the middle of a rough ocean, the cold beer after a hard day's work, and the only Philadelphia Eagles fan I could ever possibly love. I imagine this is just some sort of psychological projection or something, but I still wish I could be more normal for her. She, I know, wouldn't change a thing about me, because then I wouldn't be the exact person she fell in love with and I know her well enough to know that's not a thing she'd risk.
I know my tics make me socially self-conscious and that I have trouble socializing sometimes/most of the time. I'm constantly aware of what my body is doing without my permission and that takes me out of moments a lot of the time. I feel like I'm really aware of my own potential embarrassment and that I'd rather retreat into a sort of social shell where I have a little more control over my tics than just let them fly and be myself. Perversely, I feel this awareness and self-consciousness around people who matter more to me and the people I love and am with, my wife especially. I just want to make a good impression on her friends and co-workers, and that desire almost keeps me from actually doing it, at least in my head. In the part of my brain that understands reality, I know that none of these people is going to judge me or make fun of me or think less of my wife for being married to me. The part of my brain that is batshit crazy and super paranoid thinks exactly the opposite, and that part plays an outsized role in determining how I act.
I also know it must be rough to be married to and live with a person with both ADD and depression but again, my wife handles it with all the compassion in the world. Do I think she occasionally gets frustrated with how scatterbrained I am? You betcha. Would she probably like to go a day without hearing, "Hey babe, do you remember where I put my keys?" or "Do you have any idea what I came into this room for". I bet she would. She does her best to help me stay organized and has also accepted that maybe there's a little more household entropy around me than there is around most people. I've only recently started sharing with her some of the uglier details of my struggles with depression, and I feel bad for how this weighs on her. Still, she's there for me 100% of the time and I know she'll do anything to help me get through rough spells. I just hate that when it gets bad, I have so much trouble keeping up with our son and with keeping meals prepped, laundry done, and the house mostly in order. She works hard and I feel terrible when she has to come home and pick up my slack. On the bright side, I think the antidepressant I started two months ago is making a good bit of difference in my mood, and my psychiatrist just started me on a non-stimulant medication to treat my ADD. Hopefully I'll get some symptom relief and those peaks and valleys will start to look like just a nice, consistent, high peak.
On the bright side, I think she sort of likes my tics and I also think she likes that I feel so free to tic around her. I can really be myself when I'm with her, and that's something I can never place any sort of value on. I really am the luckiest guy in the world. I wonder sometimes what would have happened with us if she was EXACTLY the same person except that she wasn't okay with my having TS. Would it have worked out anyway? Would one of us be miserable? Would my sleep-ticcing drive her to the edge of insanity (it might anyway). These are interesting questions to ask, but I feel lucky that they're only hypotheticals for me. Now if you'll excuse me, it's 11pm and I have a smoking hot wife to snuggle up with.
Great post! ❤
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
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