Too Much

Today was a Bad Day. I'm not sure how TS-related all this is but I'm going to talk about it here since I know Tourette's and depression team up like the bully kids in "A Christmas Story".

I've made and/or been forced into a few big changes over the last month. I got rid of my smart phone, as I've mentioned before. My wife and I decided to get our butts in shape, so we got an exercise bike I'm trying to ride five days a week. I'm also trying to make some pretty serious dietary changes since I have a kid and now I have to live forever. Finally, and worst, my shift got changed at work. We got pushed back an hour, so now I'm working till 7pm every night and not getting home till 7:30. I was in a great groove with the schedule I was in prior to the change. I could get home at 6:15, make dinner for everyone, and spend a good chunk of time with my son before we put him down at 8. Now all that has changed and it sucks. There's a bunch of work-related stuff I won't get into here, but suffice it to say that a lot of people are unhappy about it.

The older I get, the worse I am at dealing with meaningful changes to my life. Here and there, little alterations don't really bother me but big ones really make me super anxious. Prior to all these changes happening, I was really worried I wouldn't be able to handle it all at once. Turns out I lasted about one month for the phone, three weeks for the workout and diet changes, and almost three weeks for the new work shift before it all got to be too much and I had to stay home from work to curl up in a ball on my couch. So today was a bad day. I felt like a truly worthless piece of garbage for not being able to shrug all this off like I assume most people do. My wife was worried about me all day, which of course I hate because I'm a guy and oddly enough one of the things you're taught as a guy is that you should never let anyone see you bleed, most of all not the one person in front of whom you should be the most comfortable bleeding. I wasn't and am not suicidal, so please don't worry about that. It's just hard being down this far and not seeing any hand holds to grab onto to climb out.

Thinking about how lucky I am should help more than it does, but honestly when I feel like this I'm absolutely positive I don't deserve any of it. Maybe the worst part of how I felt today was the sure knowledge that I was suffering from a chemical imbalance. I could darn near feel it in my bones, and that sucks. It feels like my body and my brain just never stop coming up with ways to mess with me and it feels like it's two against one all the time. But if I'm not my brain and my body, then who am I? I've resolved to call a psychologist tomorrow and start getting myself some help. I'm worried that I'll have trouble keeping any appointments with my work schedule, but I need help to finally start untangling 38+ years of tangled thoughts.

Also I've had the hiccups for like four hours and I'm ready to sell my diaphragm to the highest bidder.

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