Intent
I'm learning that one of the more ludicrous and amusing and frustrating aspects of having Tourette's is trying to discern the difference between an intentional action and a tic. I think most people would never have to question this sort of stuff, so I think members of the TS community (both patients and caregivers) are uniquely qualified to discuss matters of intent. Prior to my diagnosis, this is something I wouldn't have even bothered to think about.
How do you define intent as it relates to an action you take? I mean I know I CAN breathe intentionally, but I rarely do. If I am, it's usually because a doctor is listening to me breathe or I'm trying to blow up a pool float or something. I walk on purpose, but the action itself is pretty automatic. Drinking aside, I'm not consciously putting one foot in front of another. If someone throws me a ball, I (try to) catch it reflexively. It's not an intentional movement, it's a reflexive one. I find it aggravating that this is something on my mind. It'd be nice to know that every movement and sound I'm making, every gesture and noise that other people can register, was something I'm doing on purpose. That's not going to happen and I'm living pretty comfortably with that fact, but now I'm starting to question the line between my tics and my actions.
I know I've mentioned in a prior post that I have a pretty consistent tic where I give people the middle finger with my right hand. It's down low and no one has noticed it, but it's also a nearly work-specific tic that usually only happens around people I don't like too much. It's embarrassing to me 95% of the time, and 5% of the time it's hilarious because I'll have done it around a person for the first time and I'll think to myself, "Well, it seems our opinion of so-and-so has changed recently." I laughed out loud one time and the guy looked at me funny. The thing that I've been thinking about a lot lately is that I only have the urge to tic around people I dislike, but it's never been 100% of the time around these people. What's the difference between one instance and the next? Sometimes, and I know this is weird, but I think it comes down to who, between me and the Tourette's, notices the person first. That probably sounds so messed up to some readers, but I bet a bunch of you can relate to something similar. If the TS gets the drop on me, it's finger time. If not, nothing happens. If we notice simultaneously, it's like Ken vs. Ryu in Street Fighter II and I feel like my hand is going to explode if I don't give into the urge. If I shake my right arm really hard, it makes the urge go away.
My concern is that some part of my brain will start to use the knowledge that I've been diagnosed with TS to act out. Just to be clear, this is a totally Ed-owned part of my brain unaffected by Tourette's. I worry that I'll start to take advantage of the internal understanding of my diagnosis to justify doing and saying things I wouldn't normally have done. I know there are people out there with severe coprolalia and copropraxia who would KILL to have this tiny concern, and I feel even worse because of that. I have so many different tics with so many accompanying sensations that sometimes it's hard to make heads or tails of the urges that make me perform the tics. I just want to be sure that every tic I'm doing, every sound I'm making, is a true tic and not some weakness of character disguised as a tic.
How do you define intent as it relates to an action you take? I mean I know I CAN breathe intentionally, but I rarely do. If I am, it's usually because a doctor is listening to me breathe or I'm trying to blow up a pool float or something. I walk on purpose, but the action itself is pretty automatic. Drinking aside, I'm not consciously putting one foot in front of another. If someone throws me a ball, I (try to) catch it reflexively. It's not an intentional movement, it's a reflexive one. I find it aggravating that this is something on my mind. It'd be nice to know that every movement and sound I'm making, every gesture and noise that other people can register, was something I'm doing on purpose. That's not going to happen and I'm living pretty comfortably with that fact, but now I'm starting to question the line between my tics and my actions.
I know I've mentioned in a prior post that I have a pretty consistent tic where I give people the middle finger with my right hand. It's down low and no one has noticed it, but it's also a nearly work-specific tic that usually only happens around people I don't like too much. It's embarrassing to me 95% of the time, and 5% of the time it's hilarious because I'll have done it around a person for the first time and I'll think to myself, "Well, it seems our opinion of so-and-so has changed recently." I laughed out loud one time and the guy looked at me funny. The thing that I've been thinking about a lot lately is that I only have the urge to tic around people I dislike, but it's never been 100% of the time around these people. What's the difference between one instance and the next? Sometimes, and I know this is weird, but I think it comes down to who, between me and the Tourette's, notices the person first. That probably sounds so messed up to some readers, but I bet a bunch of you can relate to something similar. If the TS gets the drop on me, it's finger time. If not, nothing happens. If we notice simultaneously, it's like Ken vs. Ryu in Street Fighter II and I feel like my hand is going to explode if I don't give into the urge. If I shake my right arm really hard, it makes the urge go away.
My concern is that some part of my brain will start to use the knowledge that I've been diagnosed with TS to act out. Just to be clear, this is a totally Ed-owned part of my brain unaffected by Tourette's. I worry that I'll start to take advantage of the internal understanding of my diagnosis to justify doing and saying things I wouldn't normally have done. I know there are people out there with severe coprolalia and copropraxia who would KILL to have this tiny concern, and I feel even worse because of that. I have so many different tics with so many accompanying sensations that sometimes it's hard to make heads or tails of the urges that make me perform the tics. I just want to be sure that every tic I'm doing, every sound I'm making, is a true tic and not some weakness of character disguised as a tic.
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