...no GPS?

Oh hi! My recent hiatus was brought to you by how good it feels to be freed from expecting myself to write something interesting and meaningful twice a week every week. I've also been mostly absent from Twitter, since I recently made the technologically-regressive move from smart phone back to flip phone. For that part at least, I'm sorry. I know I've talked a lot on here about being part of a community, and I've left that community behind for the last few weeks. I'm going to try and find a happy medium between self-care and being there for people who've been there for me.

It's been a big change going from checking my phone 200+ times a day to logging onto my laptop maybe twice a day just to check email and maybe Facebook and Twitter and the news and ESPN and Polygon and maybe just a few other sites real quick while I have a minute. Seriously though, ditching the smartphone has been nice, if a little disorienting. The first few days were a little rough, since I made the switch just a few days before Christmas. All the expectation surrounding it this year got to me real bad, and being able to check out by farting around with my phone was an escape I sorely missed. I actually ended up in the ER a few days later after dealing with a week's worth of pretty awful stomach cramps. The doc ordered a CAT scan and it showed I had a bunch of inflamed lymph nodes in my gut. He said that in most cases, this sort of thing goes away on its own in a few days. I'm reasonably certain it was stress-related, and my pain gradually went away with some distance from the holiday. I should mention that my wife was a freaking rock star through all of it and that I'm the luckiest guy out there.

Anyway, flip phone! For the first few days, I'd keep pulling it out of my pocket like it was my old phone and I was going to check all my news sites and social media apps only to have a moment of "Oh God you don't have that anymore, what are you going to do!" I'd real stealthy-like look around to see if anyone around me noticed what I'm sure was my uber-panicked face before calmly returning my functionally useless new phone back to my pocket. Luckily, it turns out there are almost always HUMANS around me that I can interact with! I even have a human wife and a human son who I actually pay more attention to now! That might be a shitty admission from me, but I'm preeeeeeetty sure I'm not the only guilty party on that one. For what it's worth, I feel mostly free from my old news/social media checking compulsions, which is nice/still sometimes causes some anxiety. It's something that's become/that I've let become deeply ingrained in how my brain works and it's really hard to just pull it out. I think it sort of feels like there's a barbed net in my brain and as long as I leave it alone, I don't really notice it but as soon as I try to pull it out the barbs catch and it makes my brain stop and I feel my gut clench and I briefly regret making the switch. But I know it was a good switch because now my son just reaches for my instead of my phone.

One thing I DO miss (and REASONABLY!) is freaking GPS. Holy toledo, man. I had no idea I was so dependent on it! I went to the doctor on Friday for my yearly checkup and I had to WRITE DOWN DIRECTIONS. AND I got lost! Luckily, the somewhat incredulous receptionist (I like how those words sound back to back) was able to guide me to the office over the phone. This was my first trip to my PCP since she put me on the path to a TS diagnosis, and she was super-politely curious about how I'd been since. I told her most of the story I've related here in my blog, and I talked to her about who to see about being diagnosed with ADD/anxiety/any other comorbids I might have. She almost looked sad as she explained the effing nightmare that is mental health care here in the US. She gave me the card of a local psychiatry/psychology practice that she's familiar with, but she straight said, "Listen, they probably don't take your insurance because insurance companies and mental health care providers can not get on the same page about anything." She told me that the best thing for me to do after they tell me they don't take my insurance would be to call my insurance company and just ask them to give me a list of everyone local who accepts it. I have a feeling that the only places that take my (fairly common) insurance are like an hour or more away, which sucks since I sort of have to work full time. So, here's to trying. I'm not even sure what I'd do if I was officially diagnosed with any of the typical TS comorbids. I guess I'll just have to wait and see!

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