Threads of Fleeing Thoughts
Hey, look! I still have a blog! I can even write stuff in it!
It's been two months since I posted in here, and it's been two rough months with my TS. I had a toothache a while ago that piqued the interest of my Tourette's, which I'm now referring to as Freddie Mercury. Freddie started up a new tic where I click or clack or occasionally slam together the teeth just on the right side of my mouth. It feels like the original toothache is gone, but the tic, just like the alien spaceship in Independence Day after President Whitmore ordered a nuclear strike on it, remains. And it, my friends is a BEAST. Excepting the sharp head nod/jerk I had when I was a kid (and which, like an old friend, pops up from time to time), this is definitely my all-time worst tic. It is freaking ceaseless. It's an all day, every day kind of tic. Most of the time I have a few tic-free minutes when I wake up in the morning, but this thing is on me within seconds of waking up. I must be doing it a good 800 times a day, based on my completely unscientific estimate. It's painful, it's annoying, it's distracting, and it's nerve-wracking as all hell. I'm just waiting for a tooth to crack. I think it's the tics like this, the ones that steal my peace of mind, that are the worst and take the heaviest toll on me and, by extension, the people around me. I know I could get a mouthguard or something, but I think I'm naively hoping this is a quick transitory tic that goes away soon and never ever ever ever ever ever comes back not even one time, pack your bags, up and leave, don't you dare come running back to me. I have a feeling it's going to be around awhile though.
I wrote a while ago about ADD that I didn't see myself ever going forward to get an official diagnosis from a doctor. Oh, what a difference nine months makes. I started seeing a psychologist a while ago for therapy and I have an appointment coming up with a psychiatrist at the same practice in a few weeks. The psychologist had me fill out a few surveys about ADD and executive function and asked me a bunch of questions about experiences I had growing up and working and whatnot, and she's "confident" I have a moderate to severe presentation of ADD. She just told me this this morning after a few sessions together and the aforementioned surveys, and I guess I'm still processing it. Like my Tourette's, my ADD is something I was functionally aware of for a loooooong, long time before any clinician confirmed it for me. We've talked mostly about depression to this point, but I told her this morning that while I remember having been a pretty happy little kid, I never remember being an organized kid. I was the kid in your elementary school class whose desk was so disorganized that the teacher would just get fed up, dump it all over the floor, and make me organize it. Same with my locker as I moved up into middle and high schools, except that obviously no teacher was dumping it. My backpack was the smallest hoarding space you've ever seen. I'd swear that my June I'd still have uncompleted homework in there from January. Organization has never seemed like a goal that was within reach for me, if only because I think I've always been aware that no efforts at organization would last too long for me. I think the Tourette's Brain is the perfect expression of mental entropy. "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;/ mere anarchy is loosed upon the world" and all that. Anyway, I'm just trying to get to the point that my psychologist thinks we need to medically treat my depression first, and I'm not so sure she's right (says the layperson with zero training in psychology). I think a lot of things would start looking up if I found myself not constantly grabbing at threads of fleeing thoughts. I guess we'll see what happens in a few weeks when I see the psychiatrist.
It's been two months since I posted in here, and it's been two rough months with my TS. I had a toothache a while ago that piqued the interest of my Tourette's, which I'm now referring to as Freddie Mercury. Freddie started up a new tic where I click or clack or occasionally slam together the teeth just on the right side of my mouth. It feels like the original toothache is gone, but the tic, just like the alien spaceship in Independence Day after President Whitmore ordered a nuclear strike on it, remains. And it, my friends is a BEAST. Excepting the sharp head nod/jerk I had when I was a kid (and which, like an old friend, pops up from time to time), this is definitely my all-time worst tic. It is freaking ceaseless. It's an all day, every day kind of tic. Most of the time I have a few tic-free minutes when I wake up in the morning, but this thing is on me within seconds of waking up. I must be doing it a good 800 times a day, based on my completely unscientific estimate. It's painful, it's annoying, it's distracting, and it's nerve-wracking as all hell. I'm just waiting for a tooth to crack. I think it's the tics like this, the ones that steal my peace of mind, that are the worst and take the heaviest toll on me and, by extension, the people around me. I know I could get a mouthguard or something, but I think I'm naively hoping this is a quick transitory tic that goes away soon and never ever ever ever ever ever comes back not even one time, pack your bags, up and leave, don't you dare come running back to me. I have a feeling it's going to be around awhile though.
I wrote a while ago about ADD that I didn't see myself ever going forward to get an official diagnosis from a doctor. Oh, what a difference nine months makes. I started seeing a psychologist a while ago for therapy and I have an appointment coming up with a psychiatrist at the same practice in a few weeks. The psychologist had me fill out a few surveys about ADD and executive function and asked me a bunch of questions about experiences I had growing up and working and whatnot, and she's "confident" I have a moderate to severe presentation of ADD. She just told me this this morning after a few sessions together and the aforementioned surveys, and I guess I'm still processing it. Like my Tourette's, my ADD is something I was functionally aware of for a loooooong, long time before any clinician confirmed it for me. We've talked mostly about depression to this point, but I told her this morning that while I remember having been a pretty happy little kid, I never remember being an organized kid. I was the kid in your elementary school class whose desk was so disorganized that the teacher would just get fed up, dump it all over the floor, and make me organize it. Same with my locker as I moved up into middle and high schools, except that obviously no teacher was dumping it. My backpack was the smallest hoarding space you've ever seen. I'd swear that my June I'd still have uncompleted homework in there from January. Organization has never seemed like a goal that was within reach for me, if only because I think I've always been aware that no efforts at organization would last too long for me. I think the Tourette's Brain is the perfect expression of mental entropy. "Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;/ mere anarchy is loosed upon the world" and all that. Anyway, I'm just trying to get to the point that my psychologist thinks we need to medically treat my depression first, and I'm not so sure she's right (says the layperson with zero training in psychology). I think a lot of things would start looking up if I found myself not constantly grabbing at threads of fleeing thoughts. I guess we'll see what happens in a few weeks when I see the psychiatrist.
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